i hit sara today in the face, she pissed me off . i don't know how i could do that i guess someone can only be pushed so far. she keeps talking to guys wright infront of me. im her boyfriend and i love her but the thought that if she can talkto them wright infront of only bring to mind what she can do behind my back. i just dont know shes already slept with my close friend even after knowing how much i liked her.  just her past clearly tells that she can do it again. i cry everytime  we have fights everytime something goes wrong, never infront of her but inside my soul and heart i'm dieing, suffering and losing my humanity. to lose her would be to lose everything i stand for to keep her means losing everything i've ever loved before her.maybe it just need to cool of and think of something else maybe  go fish , listen to music go for a run read a book instead of playing a alternate reality game that helps me to escape the pain i feel. instead of bottling them up i should express them thru swimming, excerise, or something else but she's suffocating me i cant do nothing all she ever wants to do is relax i'm tired of it i wrestled during high school, and i'm use to be physically active running, lifting and being all i can be . i feel like shes choking the life out of me. she was fun when we where friends, but now i don't know. to think i want to marry her and all this stuff. everyone says bad things about her and i defend her right away. i don't think im a bad boyfriend, but just dont know what to do anymore.

i saw Jill (my ex) today i asked her if she wanted to hangout and sure enough she did i wasn't sure. if she still be mad at me for using her to cheating on my current girl (Sara) i was pissed and full of b.s. i heard from people. so i cheated on Sara. well anyways to the naughty juicy stuff. i figured we just be friend, but it sure as hell didn't end that way she started to massage my dick and i tried to refuse her  at this point i am faithful, but if i didn't let her I'd crash. then when we got to the house Jill was overly sexual and i tried really hard to resist but she knew every square inch of my body and all the ways to turn me on. over and over she touched me and i refused her all the way to the point where i was defenseless. kiss after kiss, wrestle after wrestle struggle for control of my hormones, to the point where i could not refuse her she gave me oral, and i was like o my, this is so wrong but so dam good. i was thinking how could i do this to Sara again, but if Jill was the aggressor, does that make me innocent or am i just as guilty as the first time when my heart was troubled. i resisted as much as i could.

i was looking back at the vacation pics in the cabin i realized i was unexplianably happy with her, even in the keys a picture can say a thousand words. i miss her so much i wish we werent at each others throat so much towards the end, it was my fault i think. i mean i was the one who got her on birth control (horrible mood swings), the one who wanted to be with my friends more. I looked at the oppurtunity costs and valued my friends more because i was always with her, but now i trade anything for her (alexandria) i miss her and cry over all the good times we had, the only thing she wanted was to be with me more, but i on the other hand wanted space, i still love her till this day i c shes still single as would i but i was kinda of forced into a realtionship i wasn't ready for, seeing as my heart belonged to another, but after a week i gave in and said ok, we can try it, but that didn't work something deep inside probably my heart told me no. so we broke up, then came sara what everyone wanted for me, but i really didn't want her i always wanted alexandria. i loved all the places she took me and how she always kept me guessing she was a bit obessive but what gurl isn't . everything she said happened i felt like crap she though i moved on fast and yeah it ended that way, then i ended up with sara i mean everything i told her wasnt true was one hundred percent true i can't believe she knows me  so good, maybe it was the fact we were togther a year with 3 brake ups in between.

 

It all started off with my favorite relaxing spot in Fort Pierce. so we arrived she told me that she didn't like those guys at this point, i glanced at some gurl, then took a second look and said wow she looks even better. now yes this isn't something u say infront of your gurl but still i'm a guy. so she replies with are u fucking kidding me look at all that cellulate in her thighs!! ok whatever i was a little ticked about that but no big deal she said lets go somewhere else. so we did we went on what i though was a romantic walk along the beach but no not all she told me that on her trip there's not going to be nothing good on tv so she's probably going to go mess around with some guys but don't worry joey i'm on birth control. (strike two) so then i said fine if that makes you happy really pissed wright now of how she could say that i started to walk back, and she walked even faster as if somehow i pissed her off. so we get back to the car and arrive at the movie theather we attempt to watch leatherheads. i step out to relax and pee off course in the bathroom. then i come back and suddenly she hits the coke three times abruptly and then picks it up and throughs it at me hitting my face and getting it all over me.(strike 3) so i to prevent mysef from hitting her go to the other side of the movie theather and relax but she like 2 minutes later comes to me apologizing to me but wtf i cant forgive her for that so i told her just leave me alone then i basically run to the other side again and she chases me and sits next to me and i tell her seriously leave me alone. i need space then she starts grabbng me and i tell her leave me alone now. i was scared at this point of what i might do to her or she might do to me. i started to cry my emotions were getting the best of me. then when i stopped crying she sits on my lap and tells me i know i shouldnt have done that i wanted to drink the coke what kind of fucked up apology is that and she was laughing about it. so i continue to watch the movie and finally she goes but i swear i though she wanted me to go after her because she kept going in and out looking at me but i really didn't care at that point. so i finished watching the movie and  we walked to the car and i new what i had to do but i wasn't ready for it so i cried a whole lot more at her house in her room and i told her i have to break up with u, your holding me back and keeping me from doing things. so after a long amount of crying she says you dont want to do this and i'm like but i have to. in the back of my head the gurls lost it she finally cracked and i must of to i never cry and i did none stop for must of been an hour. then we came to asettlement of just taking  break and hey that sounded good to both of us but i guess it only looked that way. monday morning i don't know what was in her panties but she texts me saying that we really shouldn't even be freinds and heck i said fine if thats what u want. and so we broke up. tadda you have just read joe's side of the story let's see if that one gurl wrights her side.

well this saturday will be a week not bad i guess. me and my gurl both dicded to take a brake hmm, will this work i doubt it we got really close tuesday to doing it, but we didn't. o well lets see where this goes.

i thought it was just something that people after they lost had, but know i've realized i ned it more and more its never enough i might seriously have a problem, i always want her .

i'm losing her my heart likes her less and less everyday. i hate it but its true who can i tell thats neutral. the pain i have wright now hurts so bad. but it might be self inflicked. i hate it, i know i loved her but now i don't as much and its starting to fade.

My fearS in order.

1. LOSING ALEX. A NEW ONE SCARIER THEN THE TWO OTHERS.

2.DIEING AT SEA

3.CLOWNS

it was all going good till we started fooling around  and finally had sex. now she wants it all the time with people there or not. and its horrible becuz i want her to but i don't want her all over me unless were in private i don't know i have a dilema and i'm not gay just scared i can go t jail since i'm 18 and she's 15. i can't believe she's so immature. i guess this is the last i date anyone younger then me.

my mom has for the last time remind me of my age situation and how screwed i be if i had sex with alex and her parents had any problems with it; i be sent to jail immiately. i hate this my moms making me dislike my gurl-freind i can't believe age is whats killing me wow and i thought i was young, fuck was i wrong i guess when i turned 18 , i didn't know what i was getting into. to bad i love her , and my mom and her parents will just have to deal with that. case closed, but seriously shes making my realtionship hard, she constantly reminds me of how she's 15 and i'm 18 this is so gay.